Find the best quotes by George Carlin.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting…
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Religion is just mind control.
The status quo sucks.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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