Find the best quotes by Phyllis Diller.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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