Find the best quotes by Rodney Dangerfield.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her…
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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